Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Alive.
So much puke
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
