the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
