Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
