So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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