My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
