she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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