Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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