So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
