I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
