Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
