R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
