Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
