I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
