What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
