she looked like the before picture.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
