1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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