that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
