1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
