I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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