He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
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He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
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Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
and you fell through a lawn chair
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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