Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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