I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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