You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
