Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
