see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
