I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My vagina is officially offended.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
