I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
