Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
