He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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