He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
