you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
