i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
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