a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
