She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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