guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i think i have herpe
just one?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
