Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
