I think I just saw someone hide a body.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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