Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
you had me at cake vodka
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
