A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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