im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
