Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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