Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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