My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If I die, sorry about rent.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
