a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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