Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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