i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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