remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
