what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
