You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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