I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
