6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
