if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
