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the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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