Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
