just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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