so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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