we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
there's paper in my vomit.
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
